SunLive         

Earth politics are a bit strange for those of us who are not from here. As a casual observer, it’s immediately obvious that Earthlings are really only concerned with what’s happening under their noses.

I play chess with an intergalactic solar jellyfish every Sunday and we were having a chuckle about this.

J-Fish loves to holiday down south in the Pacific. He’s right into trench diving and also has a bit of a weird thing going on with a fur seal.

This fur friend was telling him about the complicated system of politics that the land-based creatures have adopted. “They think they own the place,” my mate says, paraphrasing his spring fling in a weird barking voice.  

Essentially a whole bunch of these humans put pictures of themselves  by the side of the road and on moving picture boxes and try to convince other humans that they are the best.

If they are considered the best, they get to make some alterations to the rules.

How to win

First they have to get enough people to agree with them. They do this by making promises, which are actually more like suggestions. But it’s important to sound definite about it because humans are a hopeful species.

For example ‘faster houses’.

Humans love building things and houses are the main thing they build. Your position in society is determined by how pretty your house is and how many houses you have, where they are, how big they are.

You get the picture.

Humans work their whole lives just to build the right house in the right place.

They work themselves to the bone doing the most tedious things in exchange for the exclusive rights to a house.

Once it’s finally ‘owned’ they basically shrivel up and die.

So you can see why it is such a big deal for most humans and why building houses faster is important.

Humans have relatively short lives compared with where I’m from so speed is important, generally.

Not just in relation to houses.

More speed

As I mentioned they spend a large chunk of their lives doing tedious tasks to pay for their houses, so they don’t want to spend a lot of time getting to and from these tasks.

To mitigate this, they have these big, steel boxes which sit on rubber things and roll around at high speed.

This is a massive bone of contention for my mate’s fur friend – she’s had family members who have made the mistake of lying on the warm, flat rocks only to find they are artificial trails for these fast moving lumps of deadly steel.

Roads they are called.

Her big eyes well up with tears when she’s barking on about it, my mate says.

Personally, I just think it’s an incredible spectacle watching these humans hurtling towards each other in their steel boxes.

Just as you are wincing for the impact, they pass within a tentacle length of each other. And we are not talking about long tentacles here.

Getting around

Anyway, there is nothing humans hate more than waiting behind another steel transport device which is going slower than the fastest maximum speed possible.

It’s incredible how many humans are injured, or worse, in this relentless pursuit of speed. But just about every last one of them does it.

They are quite mobile on their own and their lower tentacles are very effective over land. They can propel themselves through the water using all four tentacles but it’s quite hilarious if you ask J-Fish’s fur buddy. They have other machines for that but that’s another sensitive subject that’s not brought up very often.

The bottom line is that humans are obsessed with artificial things and speed so bigger roads and more roads are the theme.

The human that promises and provides a faster way of life usually gets elevated to the position of ‘boss of everyone’.

It’s time to look up

Anyway, the reason we were chuckling about this is that humans are looking in the wrong place for speed.

All the seriously fast things are in space.

Including the space not so far away.

Humans have launched thousands  of spinning objects into their own planetary orbit.

These things whiz past each other at fantastically high speeds and eventually one is going to collide with another and create thousands of other objects that will then go on to collide with other objects.

It could get very interesting and I’m basically only hanging around for that show. It’s due to happen this afternoon actually. A couple of pieces of space junk weighing 2.8 tonnes will either collide or miss each other by a few metres.

Anyway, good luck with all the politics you weird humans.

I’m off to watch the show.

daniel@thesun.co.nz

Daniel Hutchinson
From The Hutch