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This week, the self-righteous vegans have been getting off their high horse again, with assertions the rest of us will stop using phrases  involving animals, in case we  hurt someone’s feelings.

Idioms such as “bringing home the bacon” will die out, according to a fruit loop expert, because such sayings offend vegans.  

Swansea University researcher, Dr Shareena Hamzah, has cooked up a media storm with her predictions that phrases involving animals will fade from use, as awareness of veganism grows.

She’s opened a can of worms with this.

It’s the most ludicrous kettle of fish I’ve heard this year - but we suspect some dark, sinister motives in the background.

More bull

Grabbing the bull by the horns, letting the cat out of the bag and putting all your eggs in one basket will eventually disappear from popular language. That’s the bizarre claim of Dr Hamzah (here at RR, the irony of her name is  well appreciated).

I have some news for Dr Hamzah - I’m going to be the fly in her ointment.

Contrary to her half-baked assertions, these phrases are likely to increase in popular use, because of one very simple fact: Meat eaters enjoy nothing more than winding up vegans (except perhaps tucking into bacon and eggs with pork sausages and a medium rare steak on the side.) A veghead with an opinion on how non-vegans should conduct themselves is like a lamb to slaughter.

Vegan-baiting

Non-vegans do not care that vegans are vegans, or if they are offended. They often prefer it. Meat munchers relish in a bit of vegan-baiting and dropkicks such as university researchers, presumably sucking on the sumptuous taxpayer bosom, should have more constructive targets and expectations for their lavish public funding.

In fact, it is instinctive among carnivores to seek out the weak in the herd, to taunt and maim, before going in for the kill. It’s a natural part of predator behaviour.

Vegans are fair game for practice.

Tripe such as Hamzah’s only fuels the fire for meat eaters. Suggesting that “bull by the horns” be replaced with “taking the flower by the thorns” isn’t going to cut it. But it should provide some hilarious banter around the barbecue this summer.

Kettle of fish

You can’t get healthier than a balanced diet, and that means everything in moderation. Fish for example.

There’s nothing better than fresh fish from our coast, a mussel scooped from the shell, or a raw scallop still twitching as it slides down the gullet.

Caught sustainably and selectively, seafood is easy on the planet, healthy if cooked right and provides exercise and fresh air in the pursuit. Not only do we enjoy the fish health benefits, variety and taste, but we love that surprised look on their little fishy faces when pierced by the cold stainless steel shaft of a Beuchat railgun.

That’s a particularly satisfying and rewarding part of being a hunter-gatherer human. Yes, we respect and use the resource wisely. We also enjoy the chase and the kill.

Get over it.

Cruelty to tubers

The optimistic doctor’s suggestion that “more than one way to skin a cat” should become “more than one way to peel a potato” is disrespectful and cruel to tuberous plants everywhere. They are ripped mercilessly from the ground, entire families of spuds. Boiled alive or scalped of their skin; even slashed into slices and fried or roasted. What a way to die. You can see it in their eyes.

There seems to be no consideration given to the feelings of plants. It’s no different to an animal being humanely harvested as humans and other animals have done to each other for millennia.

Besides, the cat skinning is my dog’s favourite saying. And please note, cats and dogs are not, and should never be, forced to be vegans despite the whacko ideas of some of their owners.

Hobby horse

Encouraging (supposed) healthier eating habits is one of the reasons for Dr Ham’s assertions. Yet science can’t make up its mind on that. Just last year the New York Times reported a major US study had  found eating potatoes more than four  times a week can increase the risk of high blood pressure.

Vegans could probably improve  their blood pressure by not worrying so much about the rest of us, getting on with their peculiar eating hobby and stop ramming it down the throats of those who make other choices.

Better still, the wasted salaries of such pointless researchers should be spent feeding the starving or helping the community.

Lambs to slaughter

It’s all part of a wider picture of manipulation by a sector of society of which veganism is just a part. The tail is indeed attempting to wag the dog - a constant battering (pun intended) from left-of-field idealists who constantly try to tell the majority what to eat, how long to shower, what to drive, how to think, how to talk... and are constantly offended by something.

Badgered to death, as the saying goes.

And anyone who speaks out is immediately decried, labelled cruel, a bully, a sexist or a racist. The silent majority need to stand up against such meddling in our lives.

That’s all from me. The tide’s turned, and I’m off to surprise something...

Probably not a lentil.

brian@thesun.co.nz

Brian Rogers
Rogers Rabbits
www.sunlive.co.nz